Why are people so afraid of themselves that their decisions seem to often be in pushing others away so they can stay “safe” in who they think they are.
The dharma (work) of relationships with other human beings is so enlightening that it often scares the shit out of us. Closet inside of closet, inside of closet which seems almost never ending.
We started out in our lives so free as children but the expectations and feelings of what our "image” should be was shaped by our environment and those in it. I am sure if you look around at others and in the mirror as well, you can find many examples of the way people choose to respond to the expectations of others. The small baby who was born into the family trying to achieve perfection and the child eventually decides thats just they way it is, so they spend their life haunted by expectation. The same small child in the same environment who felt they would never measure up so they gave up at a young age or at some point and lived whatever way the wanted “to hell with it all”.
There are people who grew up with racism, sexism, hatred, greed, poverty, politics, religious beliefs and so many things which translated to expectations. Those items sound bad but what about the children who grew up with perfect grades, perfect family, the mentality of "dont screw up people are watching us" these can be just as damaging as well. As we grow there are so many things we adopt into our fabric of belief and many we also reject. Some of our choices to accept beliefs are stronger feelings while others just linger in the back of our minds as “thats just the way things are”.
The job of every human being in life is to be set free, free from expectations of self and others, our lives are just the playgrounds for us to act as children and work out the way we want to be. This does not disregard caring for and loving others so they can count on us but it is about not being dependent or codependent on those same relationships. At the end of life what do you want its entirety to represent in your search for growth?
Do you want to be hung up on the haves and have nots?
Is it about race, sex or individual identity on your last day?
Will you be really proud that you got all straight A’s in college, or made some incredible deals that helped you be successful?
Does it really matter if someone lived their life on a beach or in a mansion on the last day?
I always loved the bible verse which quoted “it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of the needle than a rich man to get into heaven.” The “eye of the needle” was a gateway into inner Jerusalem so a camel could not fit under the gate very well. The difficulty of hanging onto the attachments we create for ourselves is that they prevent us from becoming free in life and harder to get through the gate of freedom in our lives. The sooner we all learn to let go of all expectations we are able to start really playing this game called life. Understanding its purpose is about refining myself and my energy to care for others.
Relinquishing selfishness and hatred begins with self acceptance. In order to find self acceptance we have to start removing images of who we are supposed to be in this life. This does not go against goals in life but actually defines the importance of life is setting goals who create you into being who you desire to be, not what the world around desires for you. Brene Brown did a TED talk on Vulnerability and it is at the heart of this matter. How do we learn to open up and become vulnerable? Vulnerability lets me be who I am, not who I am supposed to be and that is what the purpose of this life is about. Discovering me and discovering the peace I find within me being real.
According to a course in miracles there are only two emotions; Love and Fear, ask yourself if your next interaction with another being was based upon love or fear? Fear is protecting yourself and often hurting others in the process. Love is able to be given when you are comfortable enough with who you are that you don’t have to win or be right or be perfect. The interactions we are having are the pieces which are making up our entire approach to life. Are we comfortable enough to be in love or fearful enough that we are still chasing images. It’s our choice.
When you are at work do you have to win each battle to fit your image of "driven goal setter”?
Do you have to give up each battle to fit your image of being the “easy going one"?
When you are at home do you have to be in charge and call the shots or do you have to just be a part of the family and make sure we decide together?
When you are pushing someone away is it for their best interest or for your own because you are scared?
It does not really matter who you are choosing to be nor is there a right way and a wrong way. All that really matters is you asking yourself WHY you have to be the way you are? What has determined your path? Think of all the people in life who have influenced you.. Family Friends, teachers coaches, pastors, significant others, children …..
Are you who you are because you are examining yourself and making your choices or are you who you are because it is what you think others want you to be?
In many eastern religions there is a belief system that essentially you will spend all you do in this life refining your spirit. You will work where you work, love who you love and do what you do in order to create the opportunity for yourself to grow. The work you do on that spirit will refine you and you will start again with your progress in the next life. Without daring to make an assumption on if that is true or not for many lives to come, I will say with certainty that I believe it is true for this life.
I have all of these relationships and opportunities to work and live with so many other people. All of that interaction and accomplishment is really about one thing, ME learning to know myself better.
Some of my relationships and choices have caused me to do that a much deeper level than others. Some relationships and choices make me want to hide more because of FEAR of being accepted under the image I thought I was supposed to be.
I could spend this entire life in FEAR or I could start understanding that life is just a game and the only persons opinion that really matters is mine. Don’t be afraid just go be whoever you are and let others do the same thing. Life will be more fun and you will be happier in the process.
